Now at Midnight

I wrote this last night, I couldn't sleep:

I like it better at night.
Words come easly, but words don't seem to be enough at night.
Stayin' up with no apparent reason feels pathetic.
Writin' your feelings in the middle of the night
Trying to be as quiet as I've never been feels silly.
But now I have the time to think
To see reality. How tough and hidden it is.
Reality keeps it for itself.
It doesn't tell you right away how things actually are.

The opportunities you've been waiting for just don't show up.
But somehow you keep believing they'll come to you
You're still living on your dreams,
Those dreams you want to bring to reality so bad.
Until one day you realize you're not on the right place or have enough talent yet
but you can't do anything to change it.
And you course reality for letting you have such huge dreams.

You wanna be those peolpe you see on TV.
Those whose voices you hear on the radio.
Those guys on a field being recognized for the sport they play.

But then a voice says: "HOLD THE HORSE THERE!",
"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!".

So, don't let reality get into your head

You've got a Chance

Last night I imagined myself with you
And I felt the same way I did when I woke up that mornig of January
But maybe I'm overthinking stuff
I know you´re not a good idea
The short time we shared was good... and bad for me
I guess anyway you´re my best choice
There is no way he's finally gonna admit it and go for it
You´ve tried it already,
And, honey, it worked!
You got me form the very begginig, when we met
And this year you made it definite

Ok, next year when we see each other again
make it happen
don't make me go through this kind of stuff again...

I Want to See You

I wish I wasn't feeling this way
I'm having doubts about if I'd ever see you again.
You go out somewhere
and you hope you don't find anyone you don't want to see.
But in this case is different.
I do want to see you again
I do want to bump into you at the supermarket
Is not the same having memories or seeing pictures of you.

Nothing compares to that look you give me.
That chill I feel when we're close.
And I must admit, the way you make me jealous.
That glow in you eyes
That twisted smile when you think I'm looking.

I wanted to see you so badly today.
I was hoping with all my heart you'd be there
But I was wrong.

I imagine you in your house waking up until noon.
Then going out playing football
Coming home all dirty with the ball in your hands.
Having dinner with your family,
Teasing your little sister.
And finally going to bed after taking a shower
All tired, dropping to the pillow,
Your last thought of the day, hopefully,
Being me.

I don't know what would happen if you don't show up that day
My friends would get tired of wiping my tears.
And I'd be regreting the day we first said hello.

Start All Over Again

It's been a while since we left our classroom
since we said goodbye to the good times
since life started to change.

Everytime think back
I feel a little tear in my eyes.
Is just sad to leave it all behind.

But moving on means new times are comming,
And it also means we'll meet again.

CHORUS:
And it's like a roller coaster
Start building up our future.
Grow up and keep moving on our days.
Eventhough is hard now
we'll see it in the way
there's a reason
to start all over again

It's seems so long since we met each other
I highly doubt it could last forever.
but is better off this way.

Somethings are still on hold, but
we will never go back so
let's keep living in our days.

But moving on means new times are comming,
And it also means we'll meet again.

CHORUS 2:
Now I can only imagine
where God is taking us to
Better things are comming just ahead
Anyway we'll all have
the memory that we were
for a moment
scared of starting again

This is It, Is Over

Well is finally over.
Another year just passed through us.
But somehow I feel like "we" are not done
I know we´ll see each other again next year, but things will be different, I promise
I don´t wanna keep living like this.
I wanna let you live your life, and I have to live mine.

Is been a tough year, I know
and I haven´t been so helpful about it, I´m sorry.
Too much drama.
Life shouldn´t be so hard, right?
so... you don´t have to worry about me next year
I´ll be fine, keep living.

Too many tears for one day.
But one day that told us
"THIS IS IT, IS OVER".
I kept thinking: "No more jokes, no more pranks, no more teachers to piss off, no more coming to this room, this is the end of three years of friendship with some people here".

Those moments were really sad, and even now when I think about it and remember everything, I feel a little sad, sorry, and I miss them, I´m gonna miss everything...

But life keeps going and so should we.
And so I will.

On board?

I'm worried, I'm scared.
Me, more so than anyone else.
these days are counted, there's not much time left
Suddenly I feel like the clock is moving faster everytime
I'm disappointed with myself, I can't believe this is over without even started.
I still remember the first time I saw him, he was so silly.
He got me just because of being silly.

Back then I didn't know what I had,
Now I regret so much the way I just let him go.

Is very awkward to pretend we're cool,
we know we're not.
He tries not to look at me when we're in the same conversation,
He's so obvious!

I'm confused, I love him and I totally understand if he doesn't feel the same way,
But then why does he keep caring?
He should be just proud he's making some girl's life impossible.
But he's not.
He looks back at me like saying:
"Let's go back two years ago when we could've been something"
He keeps trying to make me jealous with girls I know are out of his league.
He does all those things and more, but when is time to say "hello" he backs down like saying: "I'm just a friend"
He's crazy and I love him because of that.
But... can't he decide if he's on board?

Monday 06,09

I dont know what to think anymore
And it's not like all this time I've known what to think
I need you to go
But I want you to stay
How is it possible that one person stands out of a crowd of millions of people?
How is it possible that two single words can hide and show so much?!
I've never felt like this before
I've never hated and loved so much the way you look at me.

I'm scared, I know some very important day is comming over
and I have to do something.
But how to do something nice if I can't even say "hi" in the morning?
How to pet the dog if it keeps trying to bite you?
I owe it, I know.
And I need it. I need one of those hugs of you.
Those that make me tremble, those that I haven't gotten in a long time.

I don't wanna do it, you know it.
Could you please return the favor and not do it either?
I don't wanna think of the very high possiblity that you may not love me.
Is it so hard to do something that proves it?
I don't know what the heck I see in you that makes me love you like this
And I get that a lot.

wednesday 1, 09

Is always nice to know you're not alone
Is always great to see people care about you
And is funny, somehow, to see how the little things they do light up your day.
There are times when I dont wanna know what to think
To see them together even when they're apart hurts
I hate that they dont know what they doing!
I hate the fact that I still care about it!
Is just something you can see in his eyes...
the way he looks at her is so much different... he changes himself upside down when she's around, is nice to see him so happy though.

I thought it was just some kind of crush!
guess it isn't
I care too much
And the worst thing is he knows I'm there and he won't even look at me.
I feel sorry for him, and for her!
she's suppossed to have a boyfriend already, what is she doing then?
he knows she's got a boyfriend, what's the point anyway?

I can't stay there just looking at them like that
He's so not for me and I know that, I've been hearing it since I met him!
But there's a reason, and I don't know what it is, that makes me wanna care.
They're so hard to ignore
I have to go away from there
for my own sake.

wednesday 4, 08

I dont know why but every move you make hurts me.
Is like every thought you have tries to tell me you're fine without me
I don't even know if is not about me, but I can imagine you with your princess
I still can't figure myself with a prince that's not you
I miss those arms around me, when all I wanted was to stay there into them, so comfortable, so real, and loving.
I remember the first time you kissed my cheek, you cleared up my cloudy rainy day.
I try to stay positive, but your presence makes it very hard.
Knowing you're in the next room makes me think where you used to be before being in the next room: next to me.
I wanna hate you for making me love you so much, and not stop it!
I'm waiting if you still care.

They'll know the truth

Sometimes I feel like I wanna shout it out!
Just let the world know
Make them feel embarrassed.
They don't know what is going on in my head
and it's better that way.

They seem to think it's alright
They don't see clearly ahead of their own glance
Those inocent poor girls that have gotten in my way
All those insignificant comments
All those looks
All those gestures
suddenly have matched somehow.

This is a hard time for me
I need someone to fall back on
so I can later bounce back up when the hurt is gone.
When they're gone.

It's incredible how much someone can influence your life so much without you even knowing it.
Without not even that person being in you life, and at same time being in the center of it.

The world will see the truth about me.
and find out how wrong they were on letting me go.

Dark

No one knows what's gonna happen.
Nobody can see the future.
So, who could've warned me that my life would get so dark.
Jhony overheard me and my friends talking about him, our relationship went straight to te toilet.
Jim? broke up with Jessica for a while, then got back together.
A friend of mine, Mike, says that holding her, Jim stared at me a lot, and just today I found out they broke up again.
My friends seem to think he broke up with her because of me, but it seems too good to be true.

I don't know what to think.
I thought Jhony would be my escape from Jim, he was but isn't right now.
Jhony really made me blind.
I was so focused on liking him,
on making myself think of someone else,
on trying to make Jim jealous,
that I didn't really see him.

The Perfect World (2)

There's this world in my head
where everything's perfect
He was there
with her.
But I didn't mind, I wasn't alone
Jhony was there with me.
He suddenly holded me over the shoulders from the back,
and took me away from my friends.

Jim was walking around us with Jessica.

I didn't really care.

I know falling for Jhony is wrong... in so many different ways
He's not good for me.
But he's different
I can see he cares about me
I can tell he wants to be with me
And I like that
I like the way he looks at me
The way he once told me: cry with me...
and the way those honey-browned eyes get lost into mine is crazy!

I don't know why we never realized.
We've known each other for three years
but I guess... we never really known each other...
until now.

We left to a bench away from everything and everyone
and he holded my hand, just like the way I dreamed it a while ago
he tried to kiss me, just like the way I dreamed it a while ago
and again I felt like my chest was burning.
But we couldn't.
Jim stormed in and pushed Jhony away from me.
They started fighting.
I just ran outta there!
I couldn't see that.

My life was already doing great, so...
why doesn't he let me be happy!?

The perfect world (1)

I like thinking there's another world
one where Jim never existed
one where I never felt desesperate to kiss him
one where I never waited for him to hold me from the back
one where we never met

But even if I found a way to delete him
he will always be there
as if something was missing
as if that guy who drove me crazy was missing

I can't help looking at them so fine
At their smiles on their faces
I can tell they're happy
I can tell he's happy
without me

And that should be the important thing anyway:
letting him be happy
with whoever he wants
even if that "whoever" is not me.

Back on Track

Today we came back to school from vacations. It's the first time in 11 days I see them again! Jhony & Jim. Jhony kinda looked like he missed me, that's weird, he always only thinks of himself. But I don't say I didn't like it! I don't know what he does that makes me wanna stare at him all day. I think his honey-browned eyes have something to do with it. Now I know he has a special space for me. With Jim... with him everything is always harder. I still consider him the nice guy I met three years ago. I still remember that friend who one day turned in something else. That guy who didn't messed it all up just like I did with the same purpose he would've had. I didn't looked at him the way I do every day. I really tried to ignore him completely. Why? Because today I gave out my invitations to my 15´s party and I had to invite him, for all the reasons I said before. I´m scared.

Another dream...

I haven't stopped thinking about Jim. I had a dream a couple of days ago:

I was on a very tall building, it had a lot of stairs [instead of elevators], every wall was light-orange-colored. I was alone, walking up and down the stairs, then I saw a group of people walking and he was there, the group of people were his friends.
He looked at me like he always does: as if there wasn't anyone who didn't know about us, as if I was the only one around... but still wishing I wasn't there. I looked at him the same way, but sorprised, I thought the building was deserted. We had our first words in so long, I don't remember what we said, but it wasn't anything good.
When we stopped fighting, he turned around and kept walking. When I saw him leaving I put my arms over his shoulders and huged him from behind, just like he did two years ago when we met. He tried to push me away when we stopped across a big mirror [it might've been a door], we saw the reflection of ourselves and I noticed we were both crying. So we started walking downstairs to the exit, still holding him he started playing with my hands. I forgot where we were and then I saw a big light. As if we were on a very dark place. We were walking through the door of a balcony [still in a very high floor of the building]. Then suddenly he turned me around and I felt his lips on mine. Cold for some weird reason. I literally felt like I was in space, spinning

But, of course then I woke up, and said: "Time to come back to reality"
Why couldn't it be my reality!?

''Gotta Keep On My Day''

When you came in, turned on the light
got me seeing what was in the dark:
All the things I know that we could've been
The years went by and I got shy
Drifted away I don't know why
When I think of you I feel like I can fly
Now that I can't sleep at night
I see the sparkle in your eyes
You were always there when I looked back
Now that we see throughout our eyes
I found a lot I didn't find
It's enough hard to see you're telling me:
"We could be right up that tree
have you wonder how it would be?
we can't go far but we can always dream
I wish you wouldn't cry at night
I'm really not a reason why
I'm so sorry I let this go away
Gotta keep on my day"
gotta keep on your day?
why do we still keep afraid?
I don't have enough guts to say 'hey'
"Gotta keep on my day
When we're apart all I think
is the way we're now and the way we were"
Don't know why, I can't fly, I can't shine
I wanna be on your days.

Getting better...

These last days have been getting better with Jim... and Jhony.
Last week a friend of mine called Nahomi, put me in the middle of a joke she was doing with Jim, so I got him to look at me in a better way. Any other way he wouldn't ever talk to me. So Im excited! Also last week, Jhony bought me a drink! Of course, still as friends, but today I cought him playing with my hand like wanting to hold it... Jhony and I have gotten closer and closer everytime, but I'm afraid we're getting closer in a different way, more like BF closer. But, you know, there's a start. Back with Jim [I owe Nahomi so much!], he said ''hi'' to me today, and very friendly by the way! He kinda holded me from the back and kissed my cheek! Yeah, I know maybe I'm getting a little too happy, but I don't know, it's just, it's been too long since I talked to Jim and Jhony wasn't even a friend to me before, so... Let's just hope tomorrow could be a better day than today!

Normal recess... 'till it's very end

Ate, laughed and, at the end, cried.
I saw him again, as always.
He ignored me (knowing I'm there), as always,
but I didn't know it was for somebody else.
I saw her. I thought I would only go jealous, but he broke my heart instead.
Took the pieces of what he had broke before, and turned it into dust, thinking he'd get me mad, ignoring the chance of bleeding out my heart.

Now I don't even have the strength to cry, not even to talk.
I think three years are enough to make you fall apart for someone with such history with you.
I've forgotten where I am, why am I here? Why did I even bother?
Guess he never truly knew the reason why I faded out of his friendship:
I didn't, I don't want that, not just that.

He left hugging her, looking back at me,
not understanding what he was doing.
I saw the drawing of a heart with his name on my hand.
And I erased it, just like he erased my hopes and fantasies of at least looking at him with no hurt inside.
My pain is so hard that not even Jhony can make me forget about it.
My friends are worried. They should be. I don't know what I'm gonna do now...

Because of her?

I have friend who's known for her BO. She's a very nice friend, but sometimes when I'm with her, I have to be alone with her. Nobody likes to be around her, sometimes it even hurts me.
Her name's Valerie, and she shares the same class I share with Jhony. Actually, her seat is right in front of his, and... I don't know if he's that shallow or if she smells that bad but, everytime Jhony "smells" something he moves apart from his desk and goes next to mine, just to get away from her. Well... that's what would be normal to happen, although in my situation you'd think I would imagine it would be a very different reason.

I'm scared she's the only reason why he's around me at all. I mean... he only speaks to me when he has a doubt or wants to borrow something. And, of course, to complain about the smell.

I know I've said I've seen a difference in the way he looks at me, but, well on my place any girl would think whatever she wants to, just to ignore the real reason (at least on my case).

Valerie didn't come to school today and Jhony almost didn't even looked at me. I was heartbroken. I guess she really is the only reason why he would ever see me.

My Dream...

A little while ago I had a very unnatural dream.
The very first word I said the next morning was his name. I haven't thought about Jhony that way since two years ago.
I've been thinking about it now though. We share classes again and our seats are very close. I almost forgot the color of his hypnotical eyes as the years went by. The way I used to get lost in those honey-browned eyes was very desperating for my friends. I thought what I had back then was just a crush, but I never thought it would be so important as I think it is now.

I dreamed we were on a blue couch, just fooling around, talking... When suddenly his big right hand went all the way through my left cheek with the excuse of looking at ''my new earings''. Then I felt his other hand holding mine.
I forgot where I was, I was just very focus on his eyes, the same way he was into mine. After staying a long time on my cheek, I felt his hand on the back of my neck.
I vividly remember he was so close to me that I could feel his breath on my face, I never felt so lost. I felt like my chest was burning, as if my heart was going crazy for the experience of something that could've never happened on a reasonable world.
But then my family came in the room and we couldn't do anything else but pretend nothing happened.

I must admit I liked it, it was totally surreal, but perfect.
I still hope to dream what happens next, but I guess you can't really do that.
Now I look at him in the way I used to two years ago, and my friends... well, let's just say that they should be thankful I didn't tell them anything, but I'm sure they can see the difference on my behavior again.